Ode to the Pastel Castle

Abba, Abba,

My heart is singing

For some unknown lover—

It is hard to forget

How badly I desire

Arms around my shoulders.

My Beloved Maker,

Teach me to be satisfied

In the abundance

Of Your grace and mercy,

In the deep love

You have already shown for me.

How I wish

You could again

Send your cherished Son

Just so He could hold me—

To comfort me

In the physical loneliness

Of my existence.

You are infinitely good, Father,

You are faithful—

Never straying from my side

Even in silence:

You are my constant companion.

With romance and joy,

One day You will call me home

Arrayed in loveliness I cannot imagine—

My eyes will finally see

The divine, inlaid beauty of my soul

As Your delighted bride.

Until then,

I wait with a devoted heart

To behold my spirit’s love—

How I shall dance and sing

With a happiness I have never known!

You are my true love,

You have already found me.

Ode of the Born Wanderer

I have been walking alone

Since my eyes made

That ancient, crucial step—

To stare out my window

With longing.

The pink bows on the wall

And an over-hurried mother—

I was the most capable of being independent

So, I was—

Never gave me enough comfort,

Never made me want to stay.

I did not, when looking at those trees

Blanketing a sprawling sidewalk,

Dream of running away from

The small white house where I was,

Already, solitary—

I longed to walk away.

Once, I finally did—

I packed my girlish suitcase

With a few clothes and crackers,

Lowered myself down the blue-carpeted stairs,

And entered into personal omnipotence.

But you see

When I did reach the end of the street—

When the gravity and insubstantiality of being a child

Toddling through an unpitying adult world unveiled itself—

I turned back.

Yet part of me—

If not all—

Wishes I had kept walking,

Just to see how long it would have taken

For someone to come looking for me,

For someone to see me.

A Call for Transformation

Father,

I do not understand

What it feels like

To be one of your treasured creations.

                                   

The disconnect

Between my true value

And the actuality of the crude metals—

Laced with poisonous words—

That I frame myself with

Proves to be the insuppressible fountainhead

Of my professed worthlessness.  

How does it feel, Abba,

To live free of demonic doubt

Turning words or actions of love

Into witnesses to be interrogated—

Every leading question points

Towards my own insignificance.

God,

How can I acknowledge your infinite worth

And forget the dust that composes

My mind and bones—

How can I see you without feeling shame?

Guilt, Father, guilt!

Show me when I am not perfect—

What I have done wrong—

And the flaw of my sin and shortcoming

Crushes the joy out of me

Like the coils of the Leviathan.

Abba,

Do you see me?

Does anyone see me?

I feel so…

Forgotten.

Christ rescued me from my sins,

But who will come to save me

From my hardened, breaking heart—

Shards of stone piercing ever deeper

Into my pre-existing pain.

I am Your light,

I am loving—

Yet the sun shines

Even for the blind man

Who cannot see him.

Why God?

Why do I feel

So faceless, so meaningless…

So unlovable—

Who wants to hold the glossed vase

Filled with burning acid?

O Mighty Father,

Where are you?

Do you love me?

Does anybody love

This catastrophic mess of sanity?

Abba, Abba!

Take this uncommon water,

Turn me to wine—

From this pitiful basket

Of a few loaves and fishes,

Satiate my groaning stomach

With measureless endurance.

Today is a Good Day

Selah

You are my Father

And I, your beloved daughter.

Abba,

You look at me with joy,

Seeing something beautiful

In both my pain and my struggles.

My dear Protector,

You will never let the devil destroy me—

Rescuing me from the cyclone

Of my insecurity before I am sucked in.

When I cry

And am soaked in the gravity

Of hurt and anxiety

You kiss my face with gentle winds—

Embracing me with loving sunshine.

You gave me Christ—

Both my brother and my Savior—

So that I might know you better,

So that you could abide within me.

Oh my Father,

That you chose these sprawling limbs

And utter clumsiness to be your temple!

Truly, I am loved

Truly, I am honored.

My heart now resonates

With your incomprehensible love

That heals me even as a write,

Even as I breath in the steadiness of your presence.

In your practiced hands

I place my anxiety, my hopes, my love,

Knowing you will do me justice,

That you will treat me with the utmost care.

Praise God that I am not an oracle!

That I might learn to trust.

Praise God that I am broken!

That I might be healed.

Praise God when there is darkness in me!

That he might show me light.

Praise God that I have felt unloved!

That I might know his grace.

Matthew 6:25-33 "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

Larry Norman

Song title: "Why Don't You Look Into Jesus?"

Old school Christian rock can always get my soul movin' and turn my heart back towards God, where it belongs. Here's to you, Larry Norman, who is no longer of this world. You were only visiting this planet.

Interesting factoid: Larry Norman was one of the originators of classic Christian rock and roll. (Hence why he is so cool)